Tag Archives: Health

I am a Madman!

10 Aug

I’m mad.  Quite mad, indeed.  Okay.  Nowadays, we like to say mentally ill, but as a fan of old horror and science fiction, I prefer to call myself mad.

I’m better than I was.  I take medication that keeps me manageable.  But once upon a time….

My madness is called Bi-Polar Disorder now, but it used to be called manic-depressive, and before that, madness (or eccentricity in polite circles if you were wealthy).

At its worst, I would overreact to the smallest of situations. I have attempted suicide a few times.   Once because I couldn’t start the lawnmower and I didn’t want to have to explain to my mother why the lawn didn’t get mowed.

I could get so angry I’ve been known to throw furniture at my work supervisor.  I’ve been paranoid.  I’d hear things that didn’t actually get said.  I’d have delusions.  Sometimes the lines between fiction and reality were blurred.

Now, with medication, I can seem to be quite normal….sometimes. I am still pretty introverted, except for the world of the internet, of course.  I have a huge ego, and yet I have extremely low self-esteem.  I don’t like to leave my apartment.  I keep my shades down and don’t let people over very often.  I don’t socialize.  I never answer my phone.  And that’s the way I like it.

I love to write, and at times I will pour myself into research, and in what seems like just moments of research will have been six hours.  I will lose total track of time, which is weird if you consider that I am obsessed with time and schedules and lists.

My mind is constantly obsessing over what most would consider things that don’t matter.  I can’t watch a TV show without analyzing how it fits into various fictional multiverse and shared realities.  I can’t watch something without studying it.

I can’t manage my money.  I’m always over drafting.  I’m extremely poor because I can’t handle money, and because I can’t seem to hold a job without freaking out, which is why the state considers my madness to be a disability.

At home, just me and my cat, I will sometimes pace my apartment at 3am because I’m coming up with great ideas for stories, which I’ll never have the patience to actually write.  Then I’ll sleep for 16 hours.

I often find myself talking to my cat, only because he’s there.  Otherwise, I’d talk to myself.

I’m actually quite happy with who I am, and how I live, though I do get sad and lonely.  I only care about my finances because it affects my relationship with my son.  And of course, there’s the lack of companionship.

The problem of course is first that I’m quite mad, and that’s a lot for people to deal with.  It’s hard to make friends or a girlfriend who can deal with my weirdness, my social anxiety, or my financial struggles.  And then the fact that because of who I am and how I am, I’m also very much used to doing things my particular way, on my schedule, or lack of schedule, depending on if I’m up or down at the town.  Not easy.

I was out tonight. I go to AA meetings, not because I’m an alcoholic, but because there aren’t any good mental health groups so it’s the closest thing I can find, and it gives me some serenity.  But when I go, I find that I’m the only one who doesn’t socialize before or after.  And I’ve realized why.  Of course, there is my own social anxiety, but also, my madness (even when controlled) is still clear.  And people fear me.  Not in the way that they fear getting hurt.  But they fear talking to the weird guy will be, well, weird.

So I am me.  And I’m mad.  Quite mad.  It’s a gift and a curse.  I’m quite brilliant.  (Really!)  And I’m a mess.  But it’s who I am.  It’s how I am.  And that’s all to that.  And tonight, I felt like I had to express that.  Because I’m not really great at talking to people, but I sure love to write.

 

Back by Popular Demand: Random Facebook Posts, December Week 1

8 Dec

Stop and Shop Old Fashioned Oats are too old-fashioned. They use the recipe from before they invented taste.

3am, and I’m very tired, but unable to sleep. My nightly night meds are apparently doing battle with that coffee I had this evening. I have to learn to commit to either sleeping at night or staying up at night, and not telling my body to do both.

I can’t believe it. A Christmas special that references the birth of Christ and the gifts he was brought as why Santa brings children presents.

When I was in the Army, I had a soldier who believed that he had prophetic visions of the coming apocalypse, and that during those days he would be a warrior fighting against the forces of evil. I don’t know where he is now or what he is doing, but I bet he’s very excited and anxiously awaiting December 21 like a kid waiting for Christmas.

Feeling tired and lazy today. Not really depressed. Just drained. Think it’s going to be a TV and internet afternoon and evening. Guess I’ve been exerting too much energy recently. Or I’m just tired and lazy.

So far this year my son has maintained an “A” average in all of his classes in his first year of middle school. I’m so proud of him, and give kudos to his mom for making sure my son is studious.

Not sure if I’ve mentioned it, but I’ve lost 30 pounds since August.

Who says cats can’t learn English? If I say “feed kitty”, Fudge jumps up and runs to his food dish from anywhere in the apartment every single time.

It’s funny how some nights I need a full 14 hours sleep and others I’m wide awake after a solid three hours.

Today I set out to do nothing but chill out and relax. So instead I was extremely productive and got a lot done. Kind of the opposite of a normal day.

Note to self: When fridge is empty, I can keep it at a lower setting. I froze my leftovers.

 

Coffee and Pasta

12 Jan
Home made pasta.

Image via Wikipedia

Today I’ve been extremely productive, knocking things off my to-do list and getting housework done.  And I owe it to a steady diet of carbs and caffeine.

Since yesterday, all I’ve eaten has been spaghetti, and all I’ve had to drink was coffee.  I’ve moved non-stop, in a relaxed, yet steady pace, getting things accomplished.

I guess it also means that I’m adjusting to the sleep schedule for my new job.  Which is good, since I’m about to have about 28 more hours added on.

Perhaps some of my ambition can be attributed to my boost in income, thus allowing me the finances to carry out some of my agenda, even if it’s the little things like groceries and cleaning supplies.  Of course, I’m broke right now….oh, except I get paid in 12 hours again!!!  My money actually lasts until I get more money.  I haven’t had this happen in a while, but then I haven’t been able to rely on a regularly scheduled paycheck in a while.  And of course, all the time I spend working means time I’m not spending money.  LOL.

And it also helps that I actually enjoy my job.  It’s busy, yet not stressful.  Lots of things to keep me busy and I get to work in an environment where I’m meeting new people all the time and getting to help them and make their day better.  It’s pretty cool.

OK, so I met another goal for today, which was to post a blog on this site with an update on what’s going on.  Check!

A Serene Friday

7 Jan
English: The River Avon - sometimes serene

Image via Wikipedia

Went to bed at 3 this morning trying to prepare for the overnight.  Observed today that even after paying bills, I actually have money left over, with just one week until my next paycheck. Woke up today at 2pm. I woke up so refreshed. After a quick brunch, I started on some housework. Tonight I managed to get some work done for jeff, and tomorrow I have my H & R Block “dress rehearsal”. I even blogged tonight.