Losing

12 Jul
SSA has decided that I am no longer eligible for disability and will stop paying me starting next month. Additionally, they are going to start billing me for medicare.
 
So I call them to ask “WTF?”, or actually, why is this happening? The office representative’s answer was “I don’t know. It just is.” So I’m filing an appeal based on suspending benefits with no reason. I mean, I’m still disabled (and boy, I’ve tried to make that not so). I’m still unemployable (and boy, I’ve tried to make that not so.) Nothing has changed. It doesn’t make sense. I shouldn’t end up homeless because of bureaucratic apathy without at least a valid reason.
 
Every time I get one crisis under control, another one immediately follows. I try to deal with life on life’s terms, but could I get a few weeks off between these things?
 
I try so hard to be kind, do the right things, help others, be honest in all my affairs. My physical health is failing and my emotional instability is still a thing (as anyone who reads my posts knows). Disabled people shouldn’t be treated like this. Disabled vets, who were disabled by their service, shouldn’t be treated like this.
 
I would love to have a job, feel like I have value. I would love to be able to have money every month to buy food rather than depend on soup kitchens. I would love to not have to choose between buying toilet paper or cat food this month.
 
I’ve made attempts to return to work. Nobody will hire me because of the gaps in my work history and my age. I can’t work jobs where I have to stand too long, or sit too long. My hands randomly stop working and I drop stuff. My legs randomly stop working and I fall.
 
I’m a smart person. I’m organized. I’m efficient. Once upon a time, I was considered a valued asset. But the fact is, I’ve tried, but nobody wants me. I no longer have value in the eyes of society.
 
It’s really hard when each day society tells me they don’t want me, but then I talk about suicide and everyone’s like “No, don’t do it. You have so much to live for.” But I can’t get a job because I’m disabled and nobody wants me. And I can’t get disability anymore for reason unknown even to SSA. And now, I”m going to be homeless, because I don’t have family to take me in, and I can’t get money through a job or disability. Wow, and people wonder why folks turn to crime? Or panhandling? Sometimes it’s the only option other than suicide.
 
It’s just not right. Every day I’m trying to give back to the world, and the world is like “Yeah, fuck you.”
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