Fear

17 Apr

My fear is that no matter how much I think I’m changing, that the “new me” is only a facade and that I am always the person I was, who was powerless over addictive behavior and who couldn’t manage their own life.

This fear causes me to become insecure in situations where others become dependent upon me to be responsible and “grown-up”.  It caused me to doubt myself whenever I make mistakes or am less than my own expectations.  It causes me to become depressed and isolate when I feel I am not worthy of the expectations of others.

My old ways are safe.  Never trying means never failing.  Avoiding people means never raising expectations which will lead to disappointment.

The cost of a life of loneliness and not feeling the satisfaction of living to my potential.

One of the things I’ve chosen to do is believe people.  All the time people tell me that they see great things in me.  I often don’t believe them.  I’ve decided that if people I trust believe in me, I should trust their judgement.

I have been working on creating a network of support, which has been challenging since I am an introvert with trust issues.  But I’m getting better at making these connections and asking for support.

Tomorrow I’m attending a meeting of clinicians and social workers and such and I will be the only non-professional there, representing peer recovery.  [This was written about a year ago originally.]  Every single time I attend one of these things I am terrified that they will think I’m a fraud and question my credentials for being at the same table with them.  But the reality is that I was invited and in fact the host knows exactly who I am and what my experience is, and that’s exactly why I am invited.  I will go because I know my voice is important to helping others, and my perspective has value.  And so I will go despite the anxiety that I will carry throughout the day.

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2 Responses to “Fear”

  1. Robert E. Wronski, Jr. April 17, 2019 at 3:44 pm #

    Reblogged this on Robert E. Wronski, Jr..

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