Why I Moved Out of the City

22 Jul

Was watching the news today.  Some clown in Gotham City murdered a bunch of people.  They caught the guy, and some are saying an urban legend called the Bat-Man helped, though police are denying this claim.

I used to live in Gotham City.  I lived there back in the 1960s.  It was a lot different back then.

Back in 1966, I had inherited money from my late uncle, Bird McLaughlin.  This led to me being kidnapped by another less scary clown and some guy in a tuxedo.

It was such an absurd afternoon.  I’d say it was more of an inconvenience than any sort of traumatic event.  These guys were so incompetent.

First off, their plan was to force me to sign over my inheritance to the gentlemen, on a document that clearly wouldn’t hold up in any court.  I mean, they had me refer to them as “the Joker” and “the Penguin” in a legal document.

Then, they brought me to this abandoned toy factory for “Bird-Brain Gags”.  They tied me to a giant blender that happened to be there, or maybe they had it brought there for some reason.  It was really bizarre.

I can honestly say I never truly felt endangered.  First of all, they kept sending messages to the police giving clues to where they were located.  I swear they thought this was some kind of game.

So these guys burst in about a half hour later.  Everyone in Gotham City would recognize “Batman” and “Robin”.  I don’t understand this urban legend thing that people talk about today.  Everyone knew about Batman and Robin.  They were always seen about town in their car.  Of course, Batman was millionaire Bruce Wayne, a friend of mine, and Robin was his ward Dick.  We traveled in the same circles.  We all knew about Bruce’s Batman thing.  I mean, it wasn’t hard to figure out it was Bruce under the costume.  He didn’t hide it well.  But you know, a lot of people with money have their quirks.  We all let Bruce have his “secret identity.”

So Bruce and Dick come crashing in wearing their “super-hero” costumes.  Immediately, my kidnappers sick their henchmen on them.  Now, I refer to the thugs as “henchmen” because they all wore matching all black costumes that read “HENCHMAN” on the shirts.  Personally, if I was a career criminal, I’d be embarrassed to be seen in such garb, but these were clearly the bottom of the barrel.  They had absolutely no fighting skills despite their muscular appearance.  They all seemed to have glass jaws and were rather clumsy.  Let’s face it.  Neither Bruce nor Dick were really skilled fighters.  But they were better than these criminal idiots.

So Batman and Robin saved me, and the Joker and Penguin guys were arrested.  But then, before they even went to trial, they somehow managed to escape.  And this was a pretty typical thing in Gotham City.  All these weirdos would wear costumes and steal jewels and kidnap people, get arrested, and then escape immediately to then commit more crimes.  It’s no wonder the police tolerated Bruce’s absurdity.  The criminal justice system was a joke as well.

So it was clear to me that I needed to get out of there.  I had a cousin living in North Carolina and he convinced me to move down to Mayberry.  He said the police weren’t much better, but at least there weren’t criminals running around in costumes.

Gotham City sure seems different these days when I hear about it on the news.  But I’m not surprised.  Incompetent police and courts allowing people to run around in costumes.  It’s no wonder things turned out that way.

A lot of these big cities have gotten weird like that.  I mean, look at Metropolis.  They got a news anchorman flying around that city, and they have a guy who used to threaten to destroy the city with “death rays” now the CEO of one of the largest corporations in the world.

I’m so happy to have left the city life.

This was a random piece of fan fiction by Robert E. Wronski, Jr.  I don’t own Batman or Superman or Mayberry.  Duh.

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