Fear

17 Apr

Robert E. Wronski, Jr.

My fear is that no matter how much I think I’m changing, that the “new me” is only a facade and that I am always the person I was, who was powerless over addictive behavior and who couldn’t manage their own life.

This fear causes me to become insecure in situations where others become dependent upon me to be responsible and “grown-up”.  It caused me to doubt myself whenever I make mistakes or am less than my own expectations.  It causes me to become depressed and isolate when I feel I am not worthy of the expectations of others.

My old ways are safe.  Never trying means never failing.  Avoiding people means never raising expectations which will lead to disappointment.

The cost of a life of loneliness and not feeling the satisfaction of living to my potential.

One of the things I’ve chosen to do is believe people.  All the…

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Fear

17 Apr

via Fear

Fear

17 Apr

My fear is that no matter how much I think I’m changing, that the “new me” is only a facade and that I am always the person I was, who was powerless over addictive behavior and who couldn’t manage their own life.

This fear causes me to become insecure in situations where others become dependent upon me to be responsible and “grown-up”.  It caused me to doubt myself whenever I make mistakes or am less than my own expectations.  It causes me to become depressed and isolate when I feel I am not worthy of the expectations of others.

My old ways are safe.  Never trying means never failing.  Avoiding people means never raising expectations which will lead to disappointment.

The cost of a life of loneliness and not feeling the satisfaction of living to my potential.

One of the things I’ve chosen to do is believe people.  All the time people tell me that they see great things in me.  I often don’t believe them.  I’ve decided that if people I trust believe in me, I should trust their judgement.

I have been working on creating a network of support, which has been challenging since I am an introvert with trust issues.  But I’m getting better at making these connections and asking for support.

Tomorrow I’m attending a meeting of clinicians and social workers and such and I will be the only non-professional there, representing peer recovery.  [This was written about a year ago originally.]  Every single time I attend one of these things I am terrified that they will think I’m a fraud and question my credentials for being at the same table with them.  But the reality is that I was invited and in fact the host knows exactly who I am and what my experience is, and that’s exactly why I am invited.  I will go because I know my voice is important to helping others, and my perspective has value.  And so I will go despite the anxiety that I will carry throughout the day.

Timelines

9 Apr

Robert E. Wronski, Jr.

I could fill a multiverse with the alternate realities that could have been had I made different decisions.  But were I to look back, I could see that even bad decisions in the moment may have prevented me from some of the joys I have now.

What if I didn’t fail out of college?  I wouldn’t be sitting here.  I wouldn’t have my son, or have known my daughter.

Perhaps I may have been a great journalist, maybe even had moved to New York as I planned.  But I would not know many of the people who I’ve come to love in my life.

What if I hadn’t gotten divorced? Perhaps we could have worked things out, or perhaps my wife would have continued to be an enabler and I never would have found recovery.  If I stayed married, perhaps my son would have grown to resent his drunk father…

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Timelines

9 Apr

via Timelines

Timelines

9 Apr

I could fill a multiverse with the alternate realities that could have been had I made different decisions.  But were I to look back, I could see that even bad decisions in the moment may have prevented me from some of the joys I have now.

What if I didn’t fail out of college?  I wouldn’t be sitting here.  I wouldn’t have my son, or have known my daughter.

Perhaps I may have been a great journalist, maybe even had moved to New York as I planned.  But I would not know many of the people who I’ve come to love in my life.

What if I hadn’t gotten divorced? Perhaps we could have worked things out, or perhaps my wife would have continued to be an enabler and I never would have found recovery.  If I stayed married, perhaps my son would have grown to resent his drunk father, or worse, followed in my footsteps.

What if I hadn’t hurt my back? I may have retired from the Army by now, or died in Iraq.

What if I had told my high school crush I loved her? Would I have stayed in my hometown? Would I be managing a Wal-Mart like my cousin? I would have missed out on all my exciting adventures. I probably would never have been a writer, or maybe I still would have.

I’m perfectly fine with the road I took with all its ups and downs, bumps and potholes, and all the detours and traffic jams.  The road I took brought me here. Even bad decisions can bring you to the right place in the end.

But then again, maybe I would have been the journalist to take down Trump!  Ah, well…

Bucket List

1 Apr

Robert E. Wronski, Jr.

Bucket lists are hard. My priorities in life always seem to change, and so then does my bucket list.

There are some things in my bucket list that may be impossible, but I like to keep them on there just to give myself something to aspire to.

One thing that’s always been on my bucket list and always will is to visit every state in this country (have 33 so far) and every country in the world (only 4 so far).

Seeing my son graduate from high school and college, attending his wedding, meeting my grandchildren, are all bucket list items that probably keep me going when life gets hard.

Some things aren’t bucket list so much as personal goals.  Owning a house again, having a job that provides me a living, allows me to use my gifts, and gives me an opportunity to help others in some way.

I’m…

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