Attitude of Gratitude

15 Aug

Attitude of gratitude.  I used to think this was so cheesy.  I hated gratitude meetings.  But I’ve come to believe.

Once upon a time I only focused on the worst, most negative aspects of my life.  And so naturally, I was always angry or depressed, looking through feces covered lenses.

I always anticipated the worst, and prepared my resentments in advance.  I could have had the best day ever, full of good fortune, but then focus on a traffic jam or someone saying just the wrong thing and let that affect my whole day.

In recovery, I don’t have as many bad days, though I have bad moments.  I try to remove myself from negativity and surround myself with positivity.  I don’t hide from bad things.  I mourn losses.  I deal with problems.  But then I find positive outlets to recharge my batteries.  Sometimes that’s being around good people.  Sometimes that’s watching dumb movies.  Sometimes it’s sitting outside in solitude with nature.

Sadly, because I suffer from bi-polar depression, sometimes it’s a bit more challenging to stay positive.  Sometimes my head gets stuck in a dark cloud of misery for no good reason.  But I’ve even come to manage those extreme swings by forcing myself to seek out positive people and help others, and the bouts of depression don’t last as long when I keep allowing the people who act as rays of light to shine through the cloud of darkness.


The Difference Between Anime, Manga and Chibi

13 Aug

I was looking up what is the difference between anime and chibi, and came across this very good example.

The Bundle Of Fluff

Just thought of something to post!

I was drawing a minute ago and decided to do the same character in 3 basic Japanese styles- manga, anime and chibi.

Manga refers to the comics, anime to the animations and chibi is a type of manga/ anime aimed at young children.

Anyway here’s the drawing

DSCF1608 As you can see the difference from the manga and anime style to the chibi are very different but the manga and anime style are fairly similar. Anime tends to use brighter colours and less shading and manga tends to be more realistic looking proportions wise and with the shading. However anime faces have more realistic proportions for the sizes of the eyes, nose and mouth.

Ramble over,

The bundle of fluff 🙂

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6 Aug
I’ve spent years trying to do something, and getting nowhere. I’ve spent year trying to be somebody, but in the end I was nobody. I’ve spent years trying to be heard, only to be ignored.
I’m tired now. People keep telling me how talented I am, and that I should lead this, participate in that, create something or other. Please stop.
Today, in my life, I am satisfied if I can just spend time with someone who is struggling, and remind them that they matter. Today, in my life, if I can just watch movies on the couch and take a nap, then it’s been a good day.
No more trying to be a writer, a podcaster, a politician, a facilitator, a leader, an advocate, a minister. I tried to be someone in the world, and the world said they don’t want me. So I’m done with trying. I just want to rest now. I am talented. I am educated. I know people of esteem. It’s not enough.
So please, stop asking.


12 Jul
SSA has decided that I am no longer eligible for disability and will stop paying me starting next month. Additionally, they are going to start billing me for medicare.
So I call them to ask “WTF?”, or actually, why is this happening? The office representative’s answer was “I don’t know. It just is.” So I’m filing an appeal based on suspending benefits with no reason. I mean, I’m still disabled (and boy, I’ve tried to make that not so). I’m still unemployable (and boy, I’ve tried to make that not so.) Nothing has changed. It doesn’t make sense. I shouldn’t end up homeless because of bureaucratic apathy without at least a valid reason.
Every time I get one crisis under control, another one immediately follows. I try to deal with life on life’s terms, but could I get a few weeks off between these things?
I try so hard to be kind, do the right things, help others, be honest in all my affairs. My physical health is failing and my emotional instability is still a thing (as anyone who reads my posts knows). Disabled people shouldn’t be treated like this. Disabled vets, who were disabled by their service, shouldn’t be treated like this.
I would love to have a job, feel like I have value. I would love to be able to have money every month to buy food rather than depend on soup kitchens. I would love to not have to choose between buying toilet paper or cat food this month.
I’ve made attempts to return to work. Nobody will hire me because of the gaps in my work history and my age. I can’t work jobs where I have to stand too long, or sit too long. My hands randomly stop working and I drop stuff. My legs randomly stop working and I fall.
I’m a smart person. I’m organized. I’m efficient. Once upon a time, I was considered a valued asset. But the fact is, I’ve tried, but nobody wants me. I no longer have value in the eyes of society.
It’s really hard when each day society tells me they don’t want me, but then I talk about suicide and everyone’s like “No, don’t do it. You have so much to live for.” But I can’t get a job because I’m disabled and nobody wants me. And I can’t get disability anymore for reason unknown even to SSA. And now, I”m going to be homeless, because I don’t have family to take me in, and I can’t get money through a job or disability. Wow, and people wonder why folks turn to crime? Or panhandling? Sometimes it’s the only option other than suicide.
It’s just not right. Every day I’m trying to give back to the world, and the world is like “Yeah, fuck you.”

Hampshire Hope: Replacing Shame with Love

25 Jun

Hampshire Hope: Replacing Shame with Love

25 Jun

via Hampshire Hope: Replacing Shame with Love

Hampshire Hope: Replacing Shame with Love

25 Jun

Wrote this for the Daily Hampshire Gazette.  Here’s the link.